I loved using the children's book by this name to teach even my little ones how to deal with fear - it is a simple concept book where page by page a monster's face emerges until it is complete via layered cutouts, and then the reader is empowered to make it go away page by page by telling the parts to "go away" until finally only the base remains and you tell it "Go away big green monster!". I even had an awesome hand puppet that accompanied the book so my kids could build the monster themselves using tactile input and real interaction and then take it apart again.
So how come when I yell at this big green monster that is constantly lurking just behind me, he only laughs? I tell him to go away with his spasticity, with his pain, with his sensory loss, with his contractures of my feet, with his dysphagia, with his fear and intimidation but he just laughs. This Big Green Monster has the power of the word progressive, and I can't seem to use the skills of talking away my fears or rationalizing them away to make him go away. In September of 2008 the monster was nibbling at my toes and feet, by October he was also contorting my stomach with dysphagia and nausea, by December he was grabbing at my ankles with abnormal tone and my pulling at my legs with weakness. By January he claimed my feet and was steadily working his way up my legs. By May the EMG testing demonstrated abnormalities throughout the nerves of my legs. Now the monster is impacting my bladder and trunk muscles. Go AWAY Big Green Monster! GO AWAY! Can we call a truce, you stop where you are and just go away? No more loss of sensation, no more loss of movement, no more increased pain and fatigue, no more loss? No more Big Green Monster?!?

I am a Rebel Christian, although after today I am not so sure I like the connotations associated with the label. While using public transportation, I had the driver of the bus actually have the audacity to inform me that if only I prayed the right way and had enough faith I would be healed. At that instant, the entire notion of separation of Church and State flew past my head and right on out the window. Seeing as how my wheelchair is literally strapped to the floor of the bus, I could not leave even if I wanted to without his assistance. He continued to inform me that God will heal anyone if they bring to him the proper scriptures in the proper prayer and have sufficient faith. When asked how on earth that accounts for the death of children, whose faith is noted in the Bible as the most pure, I was informed that it was because no one prayed properly for them. Really? You mean the five year old little girl that I loved with all my heart who died two weeks after her fifth birthday my first year teaching died because her parents failed to say the right prayers? If all it took to heal someone was faith, why are so many parents on trial for the deaths of their children treated by faith and prayer who died because medical intervention was ignored? I was then informed that because I had no faith, I would not be healed, it would not work for me. As if my disability was a direct result of a flaw in my faith and my inability to properly pray. Faith is getting up each morning and continuing on this journey. Faith is trusting that there is a greater plan and purpose to all of this. Faith is not surrendering, not allowing myself to believe that God has caused this or abandoned me. Faith is putting one foot (or wheel) in front of the other when you have no idea what lies ahead but you trust that you will be guided and protected. That is faith, and that is a lot harder than lecturing and intimidating some stranger held as a captive audience. Faith is not throwing stones, it is not judging, it is not prejudiced, it is not hurtful. Earlier in the journey I also learned that apparently women are becoming to much like men, which is abhorrent to God, and that it is a woman's role to look pretty for a man. This man is a very good example of why I hesitate to announce myself as a Christian, and why I proudly state that I am a Rebel Christian. I can not stand the abundance of judgment and stone throwing, the hypocrisy and self righteousness that taints so much of the Christian church. This man condemned my faith and my spirit in the name of the same God I worship, and that is incomprehensible to me. He represents everything that causes people to turn from Christianity - lies, judgment, deceit, condemnation, hypocrisy, prejudice. He is a nut with stones to throw, nothing more and nothing less. But those stones still hurt, and leave you feeling somehow violated and assaulted. Does my wheelchair have to be a magnet for EVERY single crazy person in this damn town?!?