And God Laughs
I told God my plans and He laughed. So now I am living, laughing, and loving according to His Plans.

In My Dreams



In my dreams I am transported back 12 months ago, back before my muscles began to weaken and become controlled by spasticity, back before the dysphagia, back before the AFOs and contractures in my toes, back before the forearm crutches to drag myself in lurching steps across a small room, back before Nessa to wheel my way through the world.


 
 
In my dreams I am transported to the time when I could move without thought, when I was not dependent upon anyone to meet the needs in my life, when I was the healthiest I had ever been in my entire life and able to push the boundaries and limits of my self.



In my dreams I am still able to grab my backpack and go hiking through the hills of Virginia at the spur of the moment. I scramble up hillsides clinging to tree roots, I climb along rocky riversides, and I feel the sure and certain strength in my arms and legs.



In my dreams I run because I can. I twirl in circles under the light of a starlight sky and fall laughing onto summer sweet grass. I chase fireflies, and my little ones, my precious students, whose laughter will forever be the most beautiful sound that ever exists on earth. I can scoop my niece up in my arms and spin her around, holding her tightly in a hug.




In my dreams none of the past year has happened. In my dreams I am another person, in another time, in another place. Not necessarily a better person, but a different person. I am thankful for the escape of my dreams, but I am also thankful when I open my eyes each morning.

** The photos are from the last hike that I took prior to developing what has been tentatively diagnosed as Progressive Spastic Paraparesis/Paraplegia complicated by Severe Pan-Dysautonomia caused by an unknown genetic disorder. They were taken in Prince William Forest in Northern Virginia in September 2008.**

2 comments:

How wonderful our minds are. To live in memories is near miraculous. Have you ever read the book Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl?

I'm thankful for you, too. Sweet dreams.

Barbara


Lucky are you.. that you have these pictures - thank you for sharing them...
here's your hug... I am sure that posting these was emotional, and yet I am glad you did!


Job 8:21

"He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."



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Wild Olive

Wild Olive

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Creative Victory

This is Me

I am a thirty year old enigma who has defied every expectation ever placed upon me and refused every definition created for me. My greatest passion in life is to make a difference in the lives of children with special needs and their families. As a special education teacher I broke all of the unwritten rules to make sure that my kids received the services they needed and had a right to receive. I have never been so proud to be reprimanded before in my life. Now, due to unpredictable twists in life, I am learning first hand what life is like when you rely upon a wheelchair for mobility. I am a medical puzzle with the pieces slowly being identified and put together, and my medical bills alone could fund a small nation. It takes a village to keep me alive. :) However, I am not defined by the genetic misspellings. I am a teacher, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a dreamer, a reader, an amateur photographer, a writer, an advocate, a star gazer, a world changer. I am stubborn, situationally shy, quick to use humor and wit to make others laugh or cope with a situation, sarcastic, fiercely independent, giving, compassionate (sometimes to a fault), protective of those I love, defiant of arbitrary boundaries, perfectionistic, self conscious, self assured (yes you can be both!), articulate and occasionally dramatic. And that is just what I could fit in two sentences! :)

Who's On First, What's On Second, I Don't Know! (Third Base!!)*

Simple Vocabulary Definitions for those who may not speak fluent medical :)

Undiagnosed Progressive Neurological Disorder- This is the diagnosis that is believed to make everything else fit together. It explains my frequent infections, my muscle weakness and dystonia, my dysautonomia, my cardiac issues, my inability to regulate blood pressure, my dysphagia, my ataxia, my severe fatigue, my extreme nausea, my gastrointestinal dysmotility and IBS like syndrome, my unbelievable migraines, my sensory changes in my arms and legs, my vision issues, my hearing loss (so much for blaming medication), and so much more. Going back to infancy and childhood, this would explain the severe apnea, the significantly delayed motor skills, the reason why I could never keep up with my peers in physical activities, the neurogenic bladder, the malfunctioning thyroid, and my frequent illnesses and vomiting. This is the diagnosis now being used since the DNA testing for Mitochondrial Disease came back odd and I can not afford the expenses of a workup at the Mayo Clinic. We are treating symptomatically.

Pan-Dysautonomia- "Pan" means that it impacts many different systems of my body, "dysautonomia" is a failure of my autonomic nervous system or the part of my brain that does all of the automatic things that do not require conscious thought like telling your heart to beat, regulating your blood pressure, adjusting your body temperature, maintaining balance in space, digesting food, hunger and thirst, etc. It is believed that I have had this from birth based upon my history of symptoms, including severe life threatening apnea as an infant, but the cause remains elusive at this time

Dystonia- abnormal muscle tone and spasticity, including painful spasms, that primarily impacts my feet and lower legs and is now starting to be a problem in my back

Ataxia- difficulty maintaining balance and coordinating/executing movements

Dysphagia- difficulty swallowing due to any number of causes including muscle weakness and poor muscle coordination

Adipsia- the absence of a sense of thirst



Other Medical Issues- Lupus Anticoagulant (autoimmune disease that causes me to tend to form blood clots and has already caused two deep vein blood clots and one mild stroke), Migraines, unknown connective tissue disorder, abnormal gastric motility, allergies, history of v-tach and severe sinus tachycardia, changes to my echocardiagram that include leaking valves and a new murmur, low blood pressure, ataxia, untreated PFO (small hole in my heart that increases the risk of stroke), chronic lymphadema in my left arm, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Narcolepsy/Idiopathic CNS Hypersomnolance (believed to be a result of the dysautonomia and my brain's inability to regulate the sleep/wake cycle), mild hearing loss, malformed optic nerves, polycystic ovarian syndrome, pernicious anemia, vitamin deficiencies


* Title comes from an old Abbot and Costello routine that I chose to memorize in 6th grade and absolutely love.
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