And God Laughs
I told God my plans and He laughed. So now I am living, laughing, and loving according to His Plans.

Odd Skills for a Resume




I was thinking, because I have been having chronic insomnia and there is nothing better that I could be doing, that I have some incredible skills that would be the glory of any resume.

I know exactly how many matchbox cars will flush down an industrial grade toilet.
I know how to pick a lock to rescue the child who accidentally locked themselves in the bathroom/bedroom/closet.
I have the book brown bear, brown bear memorized. And each peach pear plum. And if you give a mouse a cookie.
I can do the hookey pookey and believe that really is what life is all about.
I can fit a weeks worth of groceries into two reuseable bags on the back of my wheelchair.
I can make special education equipment out of pool noodles, velcro, and duct tape.
I can have entire conversations in my sleep.
I can skip long security lines in a single bound.
I can sign most major curse words.
I can change a diaper, with kid standing, in about 30 seconds.
I can piss off authority/superiors before I even meet them.
I know all the verses to the wheels in the bus, and that bus driver needs a raise!
I can look at fourteen children and blatantly lie by saying it is raining because it is too freakin hot to breathe outside.
I speak toddler.
I am fluent in Pig Latin.
In German I can ask for beer and a cheap prostitute.
I can hold a bucket for a vomiting child with one hand while spoon feeding a child with the other. Never mix up the two hands.
I am not ashamed of doing my best runway walk down a school hallway after letting three year olds put "make up" (face paint) on me and then dress me in butterfly wings, a princess tiara, red velvet elbow gloves, and high heels.
I can fall up stairs.
I can puree anything. Pizza - done it. Chicken strips - done it. Salad- done it. Some foods actually look better pureed than whole like school vegetarian lasagna.
I can hold negotiations with a toddler that would befuddle most SWAT team negotiators and embassadors.
I can rate the accessibility of most public restrooms within 2-3 miles of where I live. And most of the stores.
I can burp the entire alphabet.
I can pass for 18. I am 30.
I can totally bullcrap my way through essay questions on exams and usually hit on enough correct points, even by accident (a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while) to do fairly well on the exam.
I can take 14 children age 5 to the large science museum in Pittsburgh with only the help of a brooding teenager and return with the same 14 children intact.
 I can tune out the sound of a child having a tantrum even as they throw themselves over my feet in mass hysteria.
I always have something odd yet useful in my purse.
I speak medical. Sometimes I even dumb it down for the doctors.
I can recognize poison ivy and am smart enough to wear long pants and long sleeves when near it. Can't say the same for the other two prissy girls working with me on that missions trip.
I can fill up an entire blog post with this list of random meaningless abilities.
2 comments:

Written like someone with experience of IEP-language. ;)

The seemingly little tasks both required and ignored by our everyday functioning are . . . an endless list.

I'd hire you in a heartbeat!


Oh my gosh I LOVE this... I am printing it out and sharing it with our SPED team.... they will want to read your blog from now on... I'm SURE! :)
I'd hire you also! Too bad you deserve way more than just money!


Job 8:21

"He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."



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Wild Olive

Wild Olive

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Creative Victory

This is Me

I am a thirty year old enigma who has defied every expectation ever placed upon me and refused every definition created for me. My greatest passion in life is to make a difference in the lives of children with special needs and their families. As a special education teacher I broke all of the unwritten rules to make sure that my kids received the services they needed and had a right to receive. I have never been so proud to be reprimanded before in my life. Now, due to unpredictable twists in life, I am learning first hand what life is like when you rely upon a wheelchair for mobility. I am a medical puzzle with the pieces slowly being identified and put together, and my medical bills alone could fund a small nation. It takes a village to keep me alive. :) However, I am not defined by the genetic misspellings. I am a teacher, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a dreamer, a reader, an amateur photographer, a writer, an advocate, a star gazer, a world changer. I am stubborn, situationally shy, quick to use humor and wit to make others laugh or cope with a situation, sarcastic, fiercely independent, giving, compassionate (sometimes to a fault), protective of those I love, defiant of arbitrary boundaries, perfectionistic, self conscious, self assured (yes you can be both!), articulate and occasionally dramatic. And that is just what I could fit in two sentences! :)

Who's On First, What's On Second, I Don't Know! (Third Base!!)*

Simple Vocabulary Definitions for those who may not speak fluent medical :)

Undiagnosed Progressive Neurological Disorder- This is the diagnosis that is believed to make everything else fit together. It explains my frequent infections, my muscle weakness and dystonia, my dysautonomia, my cardiac issues, my inability to regulate blood pressure, my dysphagia, my ataxia, my severe fatigue, my extreme nausea, my gastrointestinal dysmotility and IBS like syndrome, my unbelievable migraines, my sensory changes in my arms and legs, my vision issues, my hearing loss (so much for blaming medication), and so much more. Going back to infancy and childhood, this would explain the severe apnea, the significantly delayed motor skills, the reason why I could never keep up with my peers in physical activities, the neurogenic bladder, the malfunctioning thyroid, and my frequent illnesses and vomiting. This is the diagnosis now being used since the DNA testing for Mitochondrial Disease came back odd and I can not afford the expenses of a workup at the Mayo Clinic. We are treating symptomatically.

Pan-Dysautonomia- "Pan" means that it impacts many different systems of my body, "dysautonomia" is a failure of my autonomic nervous system or the part of my brain that does all of the automatic things that do not require conscious thought like telling your heart to beat, regulating your blood pressure, adjusting your body temperature, maintaining balance in space, digesting food, hunger and thirst, etc. It is believed that I have had this from birth based upon my history of symptoms, including severe life threatening apnea as an infant, but the cause remains elusive at this time

Dystonia- abnormal muscle tone and spasticity, including painful spasms, that primarily impacts my feet and lower legs and is now starting to be a problem in my back

Ataxia- difficulty maintaining balance and coordinating/executing movements

Dysphagia- difficulty swallowing due to any number of causes including muscle weakness and poor muscle coordination

Adipsia- the absence of a sense of thirst



Other Medical Issues- Lupus Anticoagulant (autoimmune disease that causes me to tend to form blood clots and has already caused two deep vein blood clots and one mild stroke), Migraines, unknown connective tissue disorder, abnormal gastric motility, allergies, history of v-tach and severe sinus tachycardia, changes to my echocardiagram that include leaking valves and a new murmur, low blood pressure, ataxia, untreated PFO (small hole in my heart that increases the risk of stroke), chronic lymphadema in my left arm, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Narcolepsy/Idiopathic CNS Hypersomnolance (believed to be a result of the dysautonomia and my brain's inability to regulate the sleep/wake cycle), mild hearing loss, malformed optic nerves, polycystic ovarian syndrome, pernicious anemia, vitamin deficiencies


* Title comes from an old Abbot and Costello routine that I chose to memorize in 6th grade and absolutely love.
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