Recently I have purchased several TV series seasons on DVD because 1) there is never anything decent on TV when I have a "turn" to change it from HGTV (my mother is addicted - is there HGTV addicts anonymous? A 12 step program? Detox? Anything???) and 2) the couch is about as comfortable as a park bench, so with DVDs I can curl up in bed and watch them. My choices, however, seem to show that I am a freak obsessed with things forbidden to most Christians...that I am being lured to the "dark side" where Darth Vader awaits me. My DVD movies I bought include a two disc special edition of The Nightmare before Christmas, which I immediately snatched up because last year my incredible friend and I spent weeks trying to find a copy of it so she could educate me on the magic of Tim Burton, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, which I know is heartbreaking but is a story that is powerful and needs to be told to new generations, and I still love my copy of RENT live on Broadway. MY TV on DVD selections are TrueBlood, which I am savoring and eagerly awaiting season 2, Ghost Hunters Season 4 Part 2, Paranormal State Season 1, Emergency Season Two (old, old show about paramedics that I used to watch in reruns with my mom and that is hysterical from the current technology), and Pushing Up Daisies. Somewhere I also have the final season of Gilmore Girls on DVD that I bought over a year ago. I have always admitted to having a wicked dark sense of humor and A willingness to view the world from different perspectives and avoid judgment. Besides, another four hours of watching people debate over which shade of white (off white, antique white, true white, dusty white) paint to use or how many throw pillows is too many is far more dangerous to my psyche than some hot vampires and ghost busting!! My weekend plans - vampires, ghosts, dead people brought back to life, old TV shows, sketching, working on an impossible puzzle, reading one of the 10 books I now have scattered around the house, writing a few letters I really need to write, and enjoying the relief I seem to be getting from the newest medicine cocktail. Whoever said diamonds were a girls best friend obviously never dealt with muscles in revolt, because screw diamonds Valium, Klonopin, and pain meds are my best friends right now. I went an entire day without one of the "jerking my knee violently up and smashing it into my face" spasms yesterday, and just when my legs started to really hurt and contract again, I had just taken the Klonopin and pain med. Maybe, just maybe we have a system of meds that will offer some relief?!?! I was wondering how I could explain the inevitable bruises from my knee slamming into my face, or my joints swelling from dislocating from the severe contractions. Is it domestic violence if your body beats you up?
I realize that this journal has contained a lot about my medical situation right now, and that is not the defining feature of who I am as a person. However, at this point in my life it is a huge obstacle that I am having to adjust to and deal with on a daily basis. Keeping a record not only helps me share information with friends and family, and express my emotions, but it also helps me keep straight all of the different things going on. I am still very much my quick witted, sarcastic, take life as it comes, independent to a fault, love to laugh, passionate, dedicated, dreaming, always learning Bethany that I have always been. The obstacles in my way have just changed temporarily. Instead of being up to my elbows in diapers and laughing as my students proved to me over and over that I was truly the student and they the teacher, I am up to my elbows in a medical quagmire and I am laughing as God is proving to me over and over that I am not in control and never have been. I am not a fan of that lesson, and we debate this often - but I lose, and he laughs at my silly willfulness. Hey, He designed me this way, attitude and all. I even occasionally debate with him the concepts of justice and fairness. He lets me yell all I want before gently reminding me that earthly justice is not the same as heavenly justice, and that life comes with no money back guarantees or warranty. That in a broken world, no one is spared. And he laughs gently when I admit that I know this but it still just sucks.
This post probably makes little sense, as it is just unedited free writing as I am curled up on my bed with a dish of frozen cherries (one of my favorite treats on earth!) and an assortment of my DVDs and books. It is real, it is straight from the heart, and it is my life. And it is well, it is well with my soul.